Life Ain’t That Easy

So, today…
Da day dat i saw YOU…
after all these days…
It’s so AWKWARD…
And makes me NERVES unbearable…
I can’t even look at YOU…
Although… I am hoping to see YOU…
I wish I could wink at YOU…
But, I guess… it’s like… da glimpse of YOU… kinda of e’nuff… to make me feel d existance of YOU…
I wish I could get more of YOU…
But, I guess.. da AWKWARDNESS really took all the HOPES that i’ve been waiting since that day…
I wish I could REACH YOU again…
And yet, da last thought… vanished da rest of happy ending story…

Phew!
At
last…  i managed to buy myself… da most wanted thing i ever wanted
since 2 years ago… the thing that can help me to gain more
knowledge… be more skillful… expands my experience… well, also as
an alternative for myself… if one day, i get bored do translation
subtitle… i guess, this is the thing… the matter… everything that
i’ve been CRAVING… my precious ~ my hun ~ my boo… presenting, NIKON
D80!!! wee… i’m so thrilled, blessed and grateful. Thanks to Allah…
for making it for REAL. Alhamdulillah. Amin

here’s the song taken from the latest album of 3 Doors Down, "3 Doors Down"… i bet, this song gonna be the next hit single from them…

here’s the link from YouTube–>> http://youtube.com/watch?v=W_oQPZMqmYM

Here’s The Lyric… enjoy

        I guess I just got lost
being someone else.
I tried to kill the pain,
but nothing ever helped.
I left myself behind,
somewhere along the way
hoping to come back around
to find myself someday

Lately I’m so tired of waiting for you
to say that it’s okay.
Tell me please
Would you one time let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Would you let me be myself?

‘Cause I’ll never find my heart
behind someone else.
I’ll never see the light of day
living in this cell.
It’s time to make my way
into the world I knew.
And then take back all of these times
that I gave in to you

Lately I’m so tired of waiting for you
to say that it’s okay.
Tell me please…
Would you one time let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

For a while,
if you don’t mind,
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

That’s all I ever wanted from this world,
is to let me be me.

Please, would you one time
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Please, would you one time
let me be myself
so I can shine
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

For a while, if you don’t mind
let me be myself
so I can shine,
with my own light.
Let me be myself.

Would you one time
let me be myself
and let me be me.

Here’s the thing…
one of my office colleague… more proper to say… the "makcik"… very da… i don’t know how i put this word… very da fucking actress… two-face… actually, not really TWO-face… thousand faces… hahaha…
So, today… she came to office after took 2 days "MC"… which i know the real reason why she took those MCs…
All these "acting-thingy" happened to be smoothly successfull… but, for me… it’s kinda starts to irritate me…
She keeps telling the others… why she got da 2 days MC… not feeling well, lemah2 badan… doktor ambil darah… suspek denggi… i mean… klu tgk muka sedey tu… mmg org laen akan percaya… but, after those people blah… dtg @ aku… citer la, "Akak kelmarin… kat sini… kat situ… bla bla bla… gi sana… gi sini…"!
I mean… come on… lah… "do you have to?"… d’uh… and guess what… because of those 2 days… every hour, she’s been chasing by my supervisor… asking these n dat… these n dat… and really makes me… AAAAAAAARRRRGGGGGHHHHH!!!!
Stupid fucking asshole!!!! Why do these all fucking people have to spoil my day?!! Demmit!!!

Okay, first of all… aku da puas tahan gelodak dalam paler aku sejak dua~menjak ni… sampai aku dah tak tahu nak meletop mana… kadang-kadang, aku rasa, ini benda yang sama aku ungkitkan, but it seems… berulang lagi… bukan tak mengelak, menjauhi… kadang-kadang… bukan disebabkan dari pihak yang sama… benda ni, dah ibarat kitaran hidup… datang dan pergi… datang pula, time bermacam permasalahan yang melanda… yang mungkin orang lain tak nampak, aku jua ada masalah…

Okay, aku tak minta orang kasihankan aku… tak payahlah kasihankan aku… aku pun tak nak simpati murahan & tak bertempat… buat aku meluat… lagi jelak…

Kadang-kadang, kita cuba puaskan hati semua pihak, sampai kadang-kadang tu… kita sendiri yang makan hati… tak pepasal, aku mengasingkan diri… bawa haluan sendiri… tapi, kesudahannya, kita tetap disalahkan… padahal, kita dah berikan orang itu… ruangnya sendiri…  tak cukup lagi ke? nak aku tak wujud terus kot?!! itulah… mungkin aku patut teman arwah atuk aku @ kubur…

Arghhh!!! Sakitnya hati… bila orang salahkan kita kerana salahnya sendiri…
Aduh! Pedihnya perasaan, kenangkan dia tu KAWAN kita…
Dah tak tahu nak letak seRENDAH mana lagi diri ini… sampai dah rasa macam tahap paling HINA…

Takkan aku nak berdiam diri?!!
Berpeluk tubuh, biarkan semua mencalar semua keBAIKan dan keSEMPURNAan yang aku miliki…

Bila bersuara, dikatakan tegakkan benang yang basah…
Hmm…
aku yang BUDAK-BUDAK?
atau orang itu yang BELUM MATANG lagi?
sedangkan… kalau diukur mata kasar… aku ni tak sempurna lagi dalam kehidupan mengikut fitrah manusia sebenarnya…
Maka, aku juga yang SALAH ke?

sometimes, we think we did our best to satisfy other people needs…
but, as usual… other people never think & realize what we’ve been
given to them… heck no… it’s not about asking them to REWARD us
back… but, to APPRECIATE it… in other way… we are the one… to
be BLAME because we didn’t CONSIDER them as the most so~called SPECIAL
person in this EARTH… (kakak sedara aku sendiri pun yg da menang 2
award bebaru ni pun xsuka aku layan dia SPECIAL hanya kerana dia
SESEORANG yg dikenali)… xpe lah… aku pun tak minta aku dihargai
kerana memberi jasa kepadanya… i mean… ntah dimana silapnya… aku
tidak lagi dalam senarai "KAWAN"… xtahu la apa cela nista yg dah aku
buat… puas juga aku pikir… apa yg aku dah buat silap… tp, kalau
diikutkan secara logiknya… aku bukanlah membuat tindakan itu kerana
pentingkan diri sendiri… i mean… salahkah aku meletakkan sesuatu yg
aku HARGAI itu ditonton & dilihat oleh orang lain juga? dia tak
nampak ke apa yg cuba aku HARGAI dalam hidup aku ini? hanya kerana
benda kecil… benda remeh… aku DIKETEPIKAN… xpelah… terima kasih
kerana tindakan itu… I DO APPRECIATE… really, i do APPRECIATE what
YOU HAD DONE to me… although, i missed those days… but, i guess…
i’m not what YOU would be like to be APPRECIATE, aight?

Biasanya,
Bila sesuatu jadi pada aku atau yang di sekitar aku… aku jarang meletakkan penghakiman ke atas pihak lain.
Biasanya,
Aku akan menyalahkan kekurangan diri, ketidaksempurnaan akal fikiran yg aku miliki kerana tidak bertindak lebih drpd sepatutnya.
Biasanya,
Aku akan meneliti kembali faktor² penyebab mengapa ia berlaku.

Tapi…

Aku masih tak faham…
Teruk sangatkah aku?
Bodoh sangatkah aku?
Jahil sangatkah aku?

Habis semua pertikaian & pertimbangan aku keluarkan,
Habis semua cacat cela cuba aku ungkaikan,
Namun masih tidak menuju mengapa sesuatu itu berlaku

Kenapa aku?
Mengapa aku?
Aku tak layak ke menikmati kesenangan hasil usaha diri sendiri?
Aku tak patut ke memanjakan diri setelah penat berusaha?

Mungkin…
Niatku tersimpang?

Mungkin…

Entahlah…
Puas aku fikir… puas aku renung…
Mana silapnya… mana kurangnya…

Salah ke aku menunding jari?
Salah ke aku menghakimi?
Salah ke aku melemparkan tuduhan ke atas mereka yg buat aku macam ni?

Ya Allah…
Hebat sungguh dugaanMu kali ini buat hambaMu ini…
Aku tak meminta… cuma mengharapkan yang adil… seadilNya…

Dis date… today’s date…
Means…
I’ve been "~ A YEAR ~ ONE YEAR  ~ SETAHUN ~ SATU TAHUN ~" @ Berjaya HVN… 
Wow…
Means..
~ A YEAR ~ ONE YEAR  ~ SETAHUN ~ SATU TAHUN ~ juga aku dah tak menulis dgn kreatif…
demmm… i missed those days…
kalau suhhh aku menulis menggunakan ayat + idea sendiri…
tumpul juga…
AaAaAa…
Tabley jadik nih… haihhh…

Seminggu… aku rindu…
Hari-hari itu… tidak seperti dulu…
Tiada yang menanti…
Tiada yang dinanti…
Tiada yang menunggu…
Tiada yang ditunggu…
Jasad kaku…
Aku termenung berteleku…
Menyeka tiap titis air mata…
Yang kian laju turun tanpa dipinta…
Sama ada aku rela…
Sama ada aku redha…
Perkiraan untuk emosi yang berkecamuk tidak mampu aku bendung…
Inikah dia… inikah kesudahannya…
Aku rindu… rindu sangat…
Perginya insan yang menamakan diriku sejak 26 tahun lalu…
…atuk… semoga sejahtera di sana…

Al~Fatihah…
Buat nendaku tersayang… Hajjah Rahmah Binti Haji Mustapha…
20 Januari 2008 ~ 8 pagi

It’s FRYday… quite FRY… very FRY… fry… fried… setgh masak… terlebey masak… so, i found dis…

~ Da EASIEST thing in the world to be is  YOU ~ Da most DIFFICULT thing to be is what other people want YOU to be ~ Don’t let them put YOU in dat position ~

Yup, it’s TRUE! Truly TRUE! In some way, it’s okay to follow other people thoughts.
But, all da way, all da time & sacrifice something that you are not into it… definitely not me!
Come to think about it… all the time we waste it… just to let other people CONTROL ourself… and in the end, we are not what we are suppose to be… such a waste!
In life, meeting new people… and sometimes, in proses making new friends… well, maybe… we kinda like try to pretend… er, should i use the word, control our behaviour… and after a while… true color starts to reveal… and thats when the arguement~thingy appear.

So, why bother not being YOU… yourself, aight?
You should proud being YOU!
No one can’t be YOU and YOU can’t be anyone else!
I mean… why must PRETEND something that YOU are not… just to please other people?
And you… inside of you… hurting… just to let other people feels good bout it?
I’m afraid… it might be a psycho~tense in future… trust me… I’ve SEEN it myself…
This is not about being SELFISH or JUAL IKAN or MASUK BAKUL~ANGKAT BAKUL SENDIRI…
Just, please… please make yourself the best out of it…

Be YOU… YOU & YOURSELF!